So My New Year's Resolution...

I don't even want to hear it... New Year's Resolutions... like rules MADE to be broken. But this year, I broke down and I made one. Ok, so I made it on the 6th AFTER all the Christmas left overs were gone or in the trash, but I made it. At this point, that has GOT to count for something.

All my life, I have kind of struggled with my weight. Not that I was a big fat cow like I am now, but I would get 10 pounds overweight and starve myself back down. I feel like (when I have been thin) that I maintained that thinness by being starved most all of my thin life. Literally. Because, well, let's face it, when I don't starve myself I look like I do today. This is the 3rd time in my life that I have been "heavy" (ugh, I'm a cow already). I hope it's the last time.

I have done some tough things in my life. I got married - it's hard - whoever says it isn't is CRAZY. I had two wonderful kids - whoever says childbirth is easy is also CRAZY. I got divorced - hello - HARD. I got remarried - to a wonderful man with three children and became part of a blended family... now THAT is hard and crazy. Ha ha!

I quit smoking in 2010 - SUPER DUPER HARD (I've been smoking since I was 18 - or maybe 19 - thank you Trena and Cathy)... but THAT my friends, is the hardest thing I have ever done. Surely this endeavor could not be harder.

Quitting stuff, is hard. Biting your fingernails, smoking, over indulging, cursing (which I also am in the process of quitting once and for all), but smoking... ah, it was pure bliss to me... having a tough day, have a smoke... argument with the hubs... have a smoke... kids giving you a rough time... have a smoke. Smoking was *sigh* a terrible addiction that I ab-SO-lutely loved. Until I caught one of my kids smoking... yeah, you heard me. Well, then, I had to quit.

I debated on it and struggled with it and started reading about it (because BEFORE I would NEVER consider quitting - ask my family...)... and then one day, May 11, 2010, while said child was home sick from school and I was watching him watch TV and once again surfing for a cure to "smoking sickness"... I stumbled on a website with a story... of a man dying and WHILE he was dying from the cigarettes and wasting away in a hospital, it showed pictures of him all along the way... smoking himself to death. He could not quit. He could not give it up - even though if he had - the chances of him NOT dying would have been insanely better. Well, that just couldn't be ME... could it?

Then the notion struck me, that yeah sister, it IS you... smoking yourself in to an early grave. Smelling like cigarettes everywhere you go... you stink, your house stinks... heck your kids smell like it too I bet... and I had those thoughts and read these words simultaneously... "Never take another puff" and I started reciting that phrase to myself... and I put them (the tightly rolled white cancer sticks) down. I didn't have one for the road, I did not run out and buy the gum, patch, mints, I just put them down.

It was the hardest two weeks of my life (and my family's life I might add). Most days I don't think about it, but yesterday I was talking about it to one of my friends (Dear Trena the instigator of the smoker me) and she asked me, "how you doing with the smoking thing?"... and when I replied, I quit on May 11th and I haven't smoked since... she literally sounded like she didn't believe me... LITERALLY. But I love her, so I'll move on and not dwell on the fact that I can actually do something right... I do miss it, but I haven't touched it, and neither has my beautiful husband (who also quit that day) and neither has my wonderful child (who shall remain nameless in this post)... I quit and I told my boy... "if I can - ANYONE can" and it's true.

The patch folks and the gum folks and the mint folks... they do NOT want you to know this... but the longer you use those things, the longer the nicotine stays in your system and guess what? If it's still in there, you aren't off the stuff, you've just switched how you're getting it... cold turkey - it's not for sissy's, but it is the only way.

Now, back to the topic for the next 363 days. Yesterday was my day #1 of my New Year. I'm eating healthier (yesterday I had an orange for breakfast - instead of 3 cups of coffee), I walked and I did my wii stuff. Yeah, laugh it up, I may not lose a pound doing it, but I had a blast and still burned 250 calories, which to me, sounded like bliss. I am not even going to try any fancy diets, I am just trying to eat healthier and add movement to my daily routine.

So yesterday, I walked with friends (early), and I have no idea how far we walked, but I do know we walked for about an hour (maybe longer) and I loved it. I love my friends. I've MISSED my friends. They didn't look at me either, like I was a big fat loser, they just walked with me and talked with me about life and love and kids and health and it was refreshing. One of my friends is on a magnificant journey, she has reshaped her body to match her beautiful soul and I have found her journey so inspiring. My other friend that walked is one of those forever friends, time, space, kids - doesn't matter, when I see her it's just like we talked yesterday...and sometimes we did, but sometimes it is longer - much longer indeed.

I am of the mind that if I can quit smoking... I can do anything... I hope, that I am right.