Do you ever feel lost?

I do sometimes. I get that overwhelming feeling periodically of "what am I here for?" I am a full-time student/mother/wife. I have little interaction with the world outside of class, facebook and children.

Last year I went to the doctor for a lump on the front of my neck. I wanted her to test my thyroid because I had been gaining weight and I could feel this lump in my neck (for the past year) and wanted to know if it was my thyroid acting up.

That doctor did a sonogram. That doctor never called me with results. I called that doctor, and spoke to her nurse (whom I graduated high school with) and was told that if something was wrong - she would call me. A call never came. I have been on thyroid medicine for a year now.

I decided to try a different doctor. I have gained more weight and haven't felt right and the lump in my neck called a thyroid... well, I still feel it getting bigger. So, I go to the new doctor. I want a diet pill, just something to curb my appetite or something. He tells me

sure, but let's run the normal tests and see where you are at before we put you on a diet pill

... I go to the lab that day and they take lots and lots of blood and he schedules me for a follow up appointment in one week.

The day before my scheduled appointment, my doctor calls and has the lab results and wants to go ahead and see me that day. So I go.

I am sitting in his office waiting for him and texting my hubby because he dropped me off and my Mom, bless her, is picking me up because we are short a car and I am without one. So, doc walks in and tells me the test results and the cholesterol levels are awesome (of course), the thyroid is under good management with the medication (ok), but my calcium levels are through the roof (ok, I have strong bones?).

What causes that?

The doctor sits back, takes a deep breath and says,

It is caused, usually, by a tumor growth on the thyroid gland, which in turn tells your brain to produce more calcium

The words are just hanging out there and he is just looking at me like I should know this. I have this look like I am straining to hear what he said, as if he said it so softly that I was unable to comprehend his speech. I said,

I have a tumor?

He says,

they didn't tell you?

Wow, they didn't tell me. Seriously?

So, he says most of the time the are benign, but we are going to go ahead and run a test and figure out what we need to do. Remove it. Or remove it and pursue treatments for cancer.

Cancer. Cancer? Cancer.

I have some experience with this... cancer. I watched it take my ex-husband's mother. I watched it take one of my best friend's - friends. I watched it take people I know. So, yeah, I am a little scared.

Do I think it's cancer? Nope. I am sure it is not.
Do I think I can beat it if it is cancer? Yep, I absolutely do.
Do I feel alone? More than you could possibly imagine.