So to the Endocrinologist I go...

So, the scan was negative... but the Doctor (and I agree) thinks that it was probably not a good scan and because my PTH and calcium levels are high and my vitamin D levels are super low... it's a tumor and he is now sending me to an endocrinologist to confirm and do some more testing, etc., etc., etc.

The doctor said the specialist probably wouldn't be able to get me in for a 2-3 weeks, so I would just feel like crap until I got in and got the tests and they confirmed what he (and I) suspects. They would remove it and I would feel better than I have (he suspects) in quite some time. He has no idea how bad I have felt for so long. If he only knew.

The only thing I am afraid of is that this tumor has wrapped itself around my vocal chords - I'm having some trouble swallowing these days (pills have become increasingly harder for me to get down), so that scares me. No, THAT terrifies me. The thought of never lifting my voice to sing again. It's always been the best thing about me. I was never pretty. I was never your genius type. I couldn't play guitar well, but I could play good enough to lead myself - and my voice was good enough to cover up my lousy guitar playing. But the thought of never being able to sing again. I cannot even imagine it. Because it is the worst thing I can imagine - I am scared that THAT will be the issue. Because singing matters most to me - I won't be able to sing at all. I am praying that God really doesn't put more on us than we can handle - that THAT is not it. So, with that being said - I will move on and not dwell for the next several weeks and I will sing as often as I can - like it's the last time I will (and I shall appreciate it more).

Cheers to my lonely reader... and to the butthead that tried to comment with a link to the neck tumors... that's really not the thing a girl like me needed to see... you may elect from this day forward NOT to even attempt to comment on my page (I think I preferred it when it was more of a discussion between my friend, Chris, and myself).

So today, I am still rooting for the underdog. Music is still my heartbeat. I still sing when no one is listening. My oldest girlfriends are still my best girlfriends. My parents are still my heroes. And my children, oh my children, if you only knew how desperately I have loved you all these years. How I wish such great things for you in your lives ahead. How I wish you could see me for more than just the old lady that rides your butts and tries to make you follow ALL the rules - even when I'm not around to watch you follow them. How I wish you would realize RIGHT NOW - that you don't EVER have to make ME proud... just make YOURSELVES proud. Do the best job that you can do, be the best person that you can be... and dance. Always dance...never let the music leave you...and always ALWAYS dance.

Hurry up! (and wait)

Isn't that how it goes? It's been over a week now and I'm still waiting on the results of the nuclear-whatever-it's-called-test...you would think no news is good news, but see that's how it all started.

So, since I heard all of that information, I've done some studying cause that's what I do when I don't know anything about anything.

Turns out that high calcium levels are attributable to a couple of things. #1 (and most common) there is a benign tumor on top of/behind/wrapped around your parathyroid glands causing your brain to produce excess levels of calcium (which it robs from - you guessed - your bones)...or it's cancer. Pretty simple - could be any number of different cancers, but that's the deal.

I am all for the hyperparathyroid something or rather - even though it will still have to be removed - once it is removed - I should feel tons better. Tons and tons. So, if it is that simple...why hasn't the doctor called?

I am still praying - God and I have an understanding.

Do you ever feel lost?

I do sometimes. I get that overwhelming feeling periodically of "what am I here for?" I am a full-time student/mother/wife. I have little interaction with the world outside of class, facebook and children.

Last year I went to the doctor for a lump on the front of my neck. I wanted her to test my thyroid because I had been gaining weight and I could feel this lump in my neck (for the past year) and wanted to know if it was my thyroid acting up.

That doctor did a sonogram. That doctor never called me with results. I called that doctor, and spoke to her nurse (whom I graduated high school with) and was told that if something was wrong - she would call me. A call never came. I have been on thyroid medicine for a year now.

I decided to try a different doctor. I have gained more weight and haven't felt right and the lump in my neck called a thyroid... well, I still feel it getting bigger. So, I go to the new doctor. I want a diet pill, just something to curb my appetite or something. He tells me

sure, but let's run the normal tests and see where you are at before we put you on a diet pill

... I go to the lab that day and they take lots and lots of blood and he schedules me for a follow up appointment in one week.

The day before my scheduled appointment, my doctor calls and has the lab results and wants to go ahead and see me that day. So I go.

I am sitting in his office waiting for him and texting my hubby because he dropped me off and my Mom, bless her, is picking me up because we are short a car and I am without one. So, doc walks in and tells me the test results and the cholesterol levels are awesome (of course), the thyroid is under good management with the medication (ok), but my calcium levels are through the roof (ok, I have strong bones?).

What causes that?

The doctor sits back, takes a deep breath and says,

It is caused, usually, by a tumor growth on the thyroid gland, which in turn tells your brain to produce more calcium

The words are just hanging out there and he is just looking at me like I should know this. I have this look like I am straining to hear what he said, as if he said it so softly that I was unable to comprehend his speech. I said,

I have a tumor?

He says,

they didn't tell you?

Wow, they didn't tell me. Seriously?

So, he says most of the time the are benign, but we are going to go ahead and run a test and figure out what we need to do. Remove it. Or remove it and pursue treatments for cancer.

Cancer. Cancer? Cancer.

I have some experience with this... cancer. I watched it take my ex-husband's mother. I watched it take one of my best friend's - friends. I watched it take people I know. So, yeah, I am a little scared.

Do I think it's cancer? Nope. I am sure it is not.
Do I think I can beat it if it is cancer? Yep, I absolutely do.
Do I feel alone? More than you could possibly imagine.

Fate and such things...

You don't think much about fate and such things... until it pokes you in the eyeball.

I had a beautiful full blood (retired) Bloodhound, Red Sadie Lee. She was gorgeous and she was loyal, she was our protector, our mother hen, and our friend. Sadie got cancer. Sadie passed away and I swear sometimes I still hear her. She was the best dog I ever had. A true watch dog and she knew who was family and who wasn't. Who was good and who wasn't. Who she liked and who I didn't like... and she was brilliant.

We adopted Sadie after she retired and she immediately became a big (100 pound big) part of our family. She loved her family - unlike any dog I've ever owned. Protective of her pack. When Sadie passed, I emailed the folks that we adopted her from and let them know and asked that if ever they knew where I could find one of her puppies or if they had a line on puppies from one of her puppies that I wanted one. Or if ever they had one of her puppies returned - I would take it - no questions asked.

Well, I got the sweetest email back, with a "you won't believe this, but..." in it. They had received one of Sadie's puppies back out of her very last litter and they were keeping him and going to breed him with another hound they had. Of course, I knew it was fate (or maybe even Sadie, just making sure she could still keep an eye on us). Sarge and his new girlie pal, Lady Bird are being "mated" as we speak, so soon enough I will have one my best friend's grandbabies.

It might seem silly to those of you who have never had a pet that was actually part of the family... but for me - it is God (and Sadie) making sure that we are still protected and loved by the best batch of dogs ever made!

I can't wait to have a baby in the house... I can hardly wait at all.

Happiest of Birthdays Brian Keith Blair Jr.!

April 17th - what a great day in history. Apollo 13 went up on the 11th (Ryan Chase's Birthday) and came down on the 17th (Brian Keith's Birthday) and I always felt like it marked such a wondrous thing. It told me that my children might always give me some concerns, but in the end, we would all end up alive!

It was a great day. Every year, it is a great day. I have spent every single year for the last 21 years celebrating that day with one of the greatest hearts I have ever known.

I have great stories of my children, their wondrous hearts and heroic moments. Their laughter and their tears.

My oldest is a bright and sunny child. Born with bleach blond hair and big blue eyes - he was (and will always be) an amazing person. I have seen him go through phases of wearing black and dying his hair dark... I have seen him hate the sunshine, but never in all the darkness he has tried to create around himself - could he ever hide the bright shining light inside him. He is a smiling happy (adult) kid.

I didn't talk baby talk to my kids. I talked to them like I do everyone else, I read to them (literally) non-stop when they were kids. I told them they could be anything they wanted to be. I still believe that.

Happiest of Birthdays Brian - my first born and my sunshine child. I am so proud of you and I love you so much!